Say no to orals!

Dear Qualifications and Curriculum Authority,

I entirely agree with the proposals that oral tests should be banned from foreign language examinations. Our poor school children are under far too much stress as it is . These "speaking assesments" in a language they are learning is just too unfair for these hard working kids.

The amount of pressure involved in oral examinations is unbearable and these students are often scarred for life with such terrible memories, often breaking into a tremendous sweat when thinking of how to say "hello", "how are you?" and "where is the train station" in French or German.

I cannot imagine such psychological trauma these young humans must endure to pass these examinations - it was so much easier in my day. I would never trade in my 12 hours a day in the coal mine as a 14 year old boy for these horrendous examinations. Spending every weekend shining shoes in the town centre (and being spat on) sounds a much more pleasant experience for a youngster then these ridiculous stressful examinations.

I truly fear for our future if our society continues to put so much stress on our talented youth. Please abolish these exams as soon as possible.

Prof Scrub.

These images of myself as a youngster just highlight how much easier it was for me then the stressed children of today. Oh what a wonderful childhood I had.

Promote Global Warming Campaign

Dear readers,

I am pleased to announce that it has been officially proven that global warming will save lives. I am most pleased and am now very much looking forward to the rise in our planet's temperature.

The clever scientists have suggested that although the heatwaves and ridiculously gorgeous temperatures in the UK may kill off the odd few thousand people, the wonderfully mild winters will save many from freezing to to death as they do currently. As an added bonus, the high temperatures will mean there will be more scantily clad women on the streets of the UK as they combat the heatwave.

As we will now have a net gain of lives saved and under dressed women on the street, I am very optimistic for the future and will now be campaigning for the "Promote Global Warming Campaign". It will be very easy to get involved. Here are a few tips which I have already started practising myself:

1. Leave all the lights on in the house.
2. Constantly turn your television on and off in the house.
3. Goto nearby food outlets and leave the taps running in the bathrooms.
4. Leave your heating on and your windows wide open
5. Eat only frozen foods
6. Buy a diesel car and drive around aimlessly.
7. Have baths 3 times a day.
8. Use your hosepipe to water the grass in the rain.
9. Buy only bright light bulbs, not energy efficient dim useless ones.
10. Beat up and gag any anti-global warming activist - then educate them appropriately.

All these solutions maybe costly but if we are saving lives, it is worth every penny. Any further suggestions to this campaign would be most welcome. Please promote global warming and save lives today!

Your environmental activist,
Prof Scrub

Ban the Buzz! Anti-Teen device!

Dear Teenagers,

Let me offer my sympathy and wholehearted support in your plight against this nasty, immoral and beastly device! This cruel, sonic radiating, ear piercing anti teen device is a monstrosity and an absolute outrage that our society treats its teenagers this way.

I agree wholeheartedly that this device is inhumane and non specific, affecting innocent and well meaning teens uneccesarily. Our society surely needs a better way to deal with its problems.

I rather like the idea of tackling our antisocial teenagers head on. I would like to face our disruptive teens face to face, man on man, woman on woman. I would like our elders to gather in our gangs and fight these hoodlums in the streets in a battle for control. Knives on knives. Guns on guns. I believe a fair battle to the death is the only sensible way to disperse the bad teenagers from the good ones.

The anti-teen device is too non specific, but a knife wound in the kindeys of the teen ring leader is exceptionally accurate and does a much better job.

I once again will campaign on your behalf in attempting to ban this ghastly machinery.

Your teen loving friend,
Prof scrub

Amy Winnerhouse!

Dear Crackhead Amy,

Congratulations! I am so proud of you - five Grammy awards! I am utterly speechless and beyond belief. It is just so wonderful that we have a British born star succeeding in every aspect of her career. When I heard the news I was overcome with tears of joy - you are an inspiration to us all. Your unparalleled success is phenomenal and I hope you continue to entertain us for many years to come.

You are indeed an asset to our nation, we are blessed.
Professor Scrub.

ps - Would you care to join me for a pint at our local pub and back to mine for a smoke of crack and a good old sing song to celebrate?

Archbishop Rasputin

Dear Archbishop of Canterbury,

Whats all this ridiculous drivel about Sharia law and its implementations? Have you lost your tiny little mind? Have you been liaising with Osama Bin Laden again? I warned you not to.

Perhaps if you stopped modeling your looks on a similarly controversial religious figure in history, you may just get away with your nonsense. May I suggest a shave, a blonde wig and a pair of sunglasses. You would then be a very groovy archbishop. Perhaps even a single out for Christmas?

Prof Scrub

Bafoonio, where are your golden balls?

Dear Mr Capello,

You are an ignorant ugly italian baffoonio. How dare you leave out our national jewels from the England Football Squad. David Beckham and his delicious golden balls are the pride of the nation and having his balls on display in an England shirt is the greatest sight for all hot blooded Englishmen and to a far lesser extent, English women.

I don't care if your Italian. I don't care if your English is so inadequate you don't understand a word I am writing. And so bloody what if you have won the Italian league, Spanish league and the so called Mickey Mouse European cup. So bloody what if Italy are the current world champions, you will never be an England manager.

I hope our dear David Beckham achieves his 100th cap, oh how I long to see him in his shorts, those muscular legs, that tight chest and his various glorious hairstyles. Oh how I wish to see him run around for me and my countrymen all day long, with or without a kit on.

I support you David, I always have, I have bought all your products and all the merchandise you advertise. I will continue to do so as long as your juicy balls remain english and golden.

As for you Mr Capello, go get your Versace handbag and piss off.

Ariverderci,
Fuming Prof Scrub.

Ryanair school girls

Dear Ryanair,

May I commend you on your excellent advertisement displaying a semi-naked schoolgirl. May I also praise you on your absolute determination in refusing to withdraw the image despite those absolutely unnecessary complaints.

The photograph is very well taken, and is a very artistic image of a model dressed up as an alluring, innocent schoolgirl. I have enjoyed the image so much I have now posted it on my bedroom wall and it goes very well with my other collection of older females dressed up as schoolgirls. It certainly makes my male fantasy the even more real and I thank you for this. You have certainly made the schoolgirl uniform so much more erotic and this can only be a positive step.

I definitely now consider Ryanair as my number one airline. I am rather hoping ofcourse you change the uniform of your stewardesses to the same revealing and modern school uniform.

Prof Scrub

A Prayer to the Great Satellite in the sky

Dear falling Space Satellite,

When you finally crash into the planet, please be kind enough to land on my neighbour's dog. The rascal has chewed on my last pair of see-through panties.

Yours panty-less,
Commando Prof Scrub

Vending Pot!

Dear Brierly Country and Golf Club,

I would like to petition for a new addition to the current refectory at your wonderful Country Club. Firstly, let me for the record state that your establishment is excellent and has the best facilities in the land by a country mile, excuse the intended pun. I feel privileged to be a member of such an exclusive club and certainly enjoy the delights of ladies tennis night and the under 16 boys swimming gala.

I would like to make a most notable suggestion to improve your present dining facilities. Having recently returned from a trip to our beloved friends in the United States of America, I have recently discovered a new form of obtaining marijuana. One simply enters the set fee into a standard vending machine and out comes the required ounces of pot, ready and rolled. I believe this idea is very advanced and forward thinking. As your establishment is the leading country club in the United Kingdom, I would perhaps suggest the club obtain this vending machine as an added facility for its private members.

This easy to use and easy access machine would certainly help the likes of myself and other upstanding members of the community obtaining weed - far better then having to obtain it from those rastafarians, ragamuffins and hoodlums outside the Royal Ends Pub on a Saturday Night. Far less bothersome indeed. Being rich and upper class, we should be able to smoke a fat one without getting our hands dirty. Jeeves!

I hope you take this into consideration at your next AGM.

Yours Sincerely,
Prof Scrub

McDegree

Dear McDonalds,

I am quite thrilled to hear of your new educational programme for your staff, allowing these bright young and talented individuals to obtain nationally recognised qualifications.

As a frequent diner in your fine establishment, I shall now look forward to my orders being taken immaculately, my burgers being flipped expertly, my fries being perfectly crispy and my milkshakes refreshingly tasty.

With all your staff having such new qualifications, I have no doubt I will enjoy my McDonalds experience a great deal more.

As always, I'm lovin it
Prof Scrub.