Polonium, my arse!

Dear radioactive Scrubs,

Whats all this fuss about polonium! Whats the kerfuffle?

Polonium is a naturally occurring radioactive material that emits highly hazardous alpha (positively charged) particles. It is everywhere! In the soil, in the atmosphere, your breathing it as you read this!

Small traces are everywhere and unharmful. However, high doses are harmful to our body and organs. OR so they think...

Scrubbers, I have worked with Polonium in the the past. I was a top researcher in Russia, and yes, I have underworld contacts with the KGB. (read my article on foreign accent syndrome)


I experimented myself with Polonium. We used to use test tubes, large test tubes, to store this stuff. Well, one night, I was in the labs, and a little drunk. I was just dreaming of Nadia, my beautiful russian bodyguard, when my hormones got the better of me!

Those test tubes, they started to look rather attractive, and so aptly shaped, that I started to get naughty ideas. And soon enough, I had my own pants down, massaging my prostate with a test tube of polonium! Woweeee! What an experience!!!!! I was in radiactive heaven!

And yup, Scrubs, your prof is fit and healthy. Yes, I maybe infertile (at least I dont need a vasectomy), and my penis lost a centimetre in size (it was too big anyway!), but otherwise, i survived the polonium challenge!

However, one word of warning, I wouldnt go anywhere near me when I have a farting episode! My farts are deadly - literally!

Yours dangerously,
Prof Scrub

The bubonic plague!

Dear infected Scrubs,

Let me warn you of tht black death! Caused by my enemy - the enterobacteria Yersinia pestis, carried by the vermin that are rats! Often in my spare time, I go rat hunting, down in the sewers. I don my hunting cap, and my poachers cloak, and my big green wellies, and down into the sewers I go!

With rifle in one hand, and pipe in the other, I go rat hunting, in war with my enemy - the Pestis! The black death wiped out a third of Europe in the 14th century, many of my ancestors included - and Im here to seek revenge for their deaths.

I crawl the underground, fishing, preying, sneaking and lurching to capture those filthy rats. And as I hunt, I sing my favourite nursery rhyme:

Ring a ring o'roses
A pocketful of posies
ah-tishoo,ah-tishoo
We all fall down.

Mind you - I am very succesful. I have killed thousands of rats and have them incinerated on my logfire (they beat burning wood any time!). And there is nothing like the smell of roast rat in the evening.

Bang bang! Bang bang! If you think your hearing strange noises underground whilst you sleep at night, it maybe me, saving your life, as I single handledly attempt to erradicate Yersinia pestis!

Your human antibiotic,
Prof Scrub

I am still trying to track the leader of the rats, Splinter from te teenage mutant ninga turtles. Once I find him I will destroy him!