The holy Wolfowitz appeal

Dear Mr Wolfowitz,

I understand times are difficult and in this day and age, it is extremely difficult to make ends meet. With the rising cost of living and weakening value of the dollar, your financial situation must be very precarious. I too have lived for a period of my life in extreme poverty - I was unable to purchase new clothes and had to wear old and torn attire, holes in my shirts, trousers and underwear. My situation was so terrible that i had to make my chaeffeur redundant and drive the Merc myself!

Do not worry Mr Wolfowitz, as your loyal and faithful allies across the pond, we are here to help in your moment of need. I have already set up a fund raising charity in your name - "The holy Wolfowitz appeal". This charity aims not only to provide recognition for your superiour American status but also will have a regular clothes collection so that we may donate our old and unused rags to you and your family.

Mrs Scrub was so appalled at your extreme poverty she has knitted you a brand new pair of socks. We will send out your aid package as soon as possible.



On behalf of your British friends in need,
Professor Scrub

Free vouchers for the druggies!

Dear Drug Addicts,

Please stop harassing me and my family. I have grown tired of you loitering, lurking and plotting on my well respected street corner. I am sick of the incessant noises, arguments and shouting arising from your filthy mouth traps at all times, during night and day.

I am angry at the numerous break-ins to my luxury apartment and the theft of all my belongings. I am equally frustrated with the police for ignoring my continued pleas to remove you beggars from our neigbourhood, despte the riisng crime rate.

I am extremly irate the way you leer, slur and drool over the women of our residence, in particular, the way you eye up all the women except Mrs Scrub - is she not attractive enough to at least deserve some unwanted attention? I do feel insulted that my wife does not recieve your lustful gaze and untoward remarks.

Drug addicts of my street, what annoys me the most is that despite myself being a former drug addict, the prices you charge me for a gram of whizz poppers is absolutely extortionate. I maybe a well-to-do Professor in a posh part of town but I know the street price for bang, crack and weed and I expect a fair price.

I gather now the government will be issuing you with shopping vouchers as an incentive to quit drugs. Well, greedy drug addicts, I have collected quite a few vouchers for you as an incentive to leave my peaceful neighbouhood. Please kindly accept my collection of £2 off for Pampers nappies, ASDA tokens, 10% of your next purchase at HMV and a £1 off any sale at Amazon.co.uk - this could all be yours, if you leave my damn street or if you finally give me a good price on some smoke.

Your generous, voucher giving, ex druggie,
Prof Scrub

Christ of Scientology

Dear Christ of Scientology,

You are indeed the chosen one. Your beautiful looks, your short but powerful stature, your kind sweet heart and your unwavering faith in the most righteous religion of Scientology indeed make you the new Messiah.

You maybe mocked, ridiculed or even stoned by the unbelievers, but dear Lord of Glory, mighty Tom Cruise, please stay strong and stay committed to the one and only true belief. Keep spreading the word, the truth and the light and do not waver in the face of the enemy and adversity.

Dear Ruler of God's creation, I truly believe in you. You have performed a miracle no man could have achieved. To take the virginity of the blessed and beautiful Katie Holmes required an act of the Almighty himself. Preach to me Tom, I am an eternal follower of you and every step you take, I too would like to learn the secret of taking young Hollywood actresses for the first time.

I worship your belief, I do truly believe we came from Aliens. Please tell me, to which alien must I write a cheque in order to prove my faith to this wonderful cause.

The newly converted to Scientology,
The holy Professor Scrub.

Shetty and the intellectually challenged but beautiful Goody

Dear Miss Sexy Shetty,

I would like to express my disgust at your treatment in the Big Brother house. I find it appalling the verbal teasing and racial torment you have received. Please let me reassure you, Miss Shetty, that the good and honourable members of the Great British Public are not racist or have anything against the fine Indian race and certainly nothing against such a fine woman as yourself.

Oh dear Miss Shetty, please believe me when I say, you are not a poppadom. You will never be a poppadom in my eyes but rather, a fine fluffy chappati made at the finest Indian restaurant with the most exquisite herbs and spices from your rich land.

We Great British people appreciate your race and all the brown people in this multicultural country of ours. We cherish the multitude of kebab shops and all those wonderful aromas from the curry houses. We love the facility of our local corner shops where one can find bargains upon bargains of soon to be out of date goods. We are delighted by the wonderful colours and patterns of the Indians people dress, glittering and glamouring even in our bleakest weather. We certainly appreciate the beautiful sari's and the midriffs exposed underneath. We are eternally thankful for the tireless work of the Indian Taxi drivers, safely transporting us home after our drunken nights out. And if we are too drunk to go home, many thanks to the fine Indian doctors who single handedly run the NHS caring for all us vomiting English patients.

Dear Miss Shetty, please let me be the first to welcome you to the UK and please think highly of us. We are not a racist nation and we love you, Miss Shetty, for everything you are. We are forever grateful for you and your kind.

Your number one fan,
Professor Scrub.



Dear Miss Goody,

I never believed it possible but I would like to richly commend you for your actions. It is amazing and inspiring how a woman like yourself, with such a small intellect and narrow view of the world, can attract such worldwide media exposure.

To be vilified by so many worldwide, to have mass protests against your very name is something of an achievement for one so dumb. I must congratulate you on obtaining this infamous attention and catapulting yourself into the limelight once again.

Despite your rather large and rounded physique and your obvious low IQ, I find myself rather attracted to you and your absurdity. Your common upbringing, low self esteem and shallow views of other people are all extremely enticing. I certainly have a lot to learn from you and I can only hope that one day I may achieve such worldwide stardom like yourself, even if I am hated by millions. Please will you let me know the secret to your stardom or stupidness?

Dear Jade Goody, will you please go out with me, I would like to wine and dine you in fine Pizza Hut restaurants, perhaps rent a Blockbuster video and share a romantic night in on my Sofa. Dear Jade, I want to share my world with you and you to share your world with me.

Your number one fan,
Professor Scrub

Cheeky cheeky!

Dear Mr Lembit Opik,

Let be one of the first in congratulating you on obtaining the services of the Cheeky girls! I believe you have made a very wise and worthwhile investment and I believe the twins will service you well.

Although Romanian (I prefer Russian twins - they are more professional), I believe your choice has been absolutely superb. They are petite, slender and in general good working order. Their teeth have some work to be done but otherwise, not much further investment is required.

Now as I understand, you have informed the press that it is Gabriella you wish to marry and Monica, I understand will be the mistress? Or is it the other way around? I am not sure. Either way my friend, I am not sure the difference matters.

Oh Mr Opik, I too do so love twins. They are so fascinating - they bring energy, excitement and glamour to life. I do so envy you, old chap. When one is drunk, one will not be fantasizing about seeing double but rather, seeing quadrouple!

Anyhow, I am looking forward to human cloning where I believe one day, all us men will have the opportunity of obtaining cheeky twins of some description. Perhaps one day I can clone another younger version of Mrs. Scrub.

Your admiring cheeky cheeky Professor,
Prof Scrub

Bubble gum gut buster!

Dear obese Scrubs,

For those of you who enjoy a piece of gum, idly chewing whilst waiting for a bus, too lazy to walk anywhere because you are fat, I bring good news.

Once again, the medical community and my esteemed colleague, Professor Steve Bloom is working around the clock to try and help you McDonald munching, Pizza ploughing, Chocolate cravers lose some weight.

The invention is a gum to chew on til your hearts desire - and as you chew, a hormone, pancreatic polypeptide (PP), is released into your body, giving you the overwhelming feeling of being full, thereby decreasing your appetite.

Promising I hope because certainly I am no fan of lard buckets. I am currently working on my own regime for people to lose weight. It requires something like this to stop a fat person putting food into their mouth:



And something for the fat person to run on:



With the appropriate body wrapping slimming uniform:



With some kind volunter (myself) standing behind whipping them into shape whilst they run on the treadmill!

I think this method will be just as productive and much more fun! I will release the data from my primary study soon.

Your fat fighter,
Professor Scrub

Oh Patsy! A love letter

A love letter to my darling Patricia Hewitt.

Dear Patricia,

I finally have the courage to write to you, to tell you how I feel, my innermost thoughts, my deepest secrets and desires.

I have watched you for some time now and let me tell you, dear Patricia, I adore you. I hang off your every word as you speak so brilliantly about the future of the NHS. Your beaming smile, your golden curls, your infinite wisdom simply inspires me to a next level of being, a new and warm feeling oozes through my veins every time you appear on my TV and appear in my dreams.

I drool every time your on TV, my skin tingles, my hair stands on end, my manhood stands to erection. You are so beautiful and powerful, I am so aroused when you lie so much, it brings me out in a cold sweat. Your eternal optimism brings much joy to me.

“Many of us would have liked to go that little bit further and faster”, Oh Patsy, when you uttered these words, I just want to go further and faster with you, for just one night, if I could just go a little harder too.

Play Doctor with me Patsy - I am so turned on when you criticise the doctors, you are right - they are overpaid and underworked, and there is far too much of us. Dear Patricia, won't you play Doctor and Nurse with me or maybe I can tie you up and play games with your sexy body, have my wicked wicked way with you.

Say it Patsy, say it "Doctors are bad bad people" as I spank you and punish you too, for being a naughy naughty politician.

Your drooling admirer,
Professor Scrub

Plastic surgery lottery!

Dear cosmetically enhanced scrubs,

Today I have entered the lottery! I am most excited! Most excited indeed. I recently discovered a lottery in which one can win a free trip to Prague for plastic surgery!!!

Now I am a relatively poor man, I don't have the riches and the fineries of all those rich folk. I once had all the money in the world but I wasted all Daddy's money on women and drugs and now I'm rather penniless, living off my research work.

For some time I have considered plastic surgery for I am unhappy with my current situation. I am an attractive man, damn attractive. However, my life is still incomplete and unfulfilled. You see, when I was a young Professor, I fell in love with the beautiful, voluptuous, big bosomed Mrs Scrub. After a whirlwind affair and a romantic courting period of one week, we married in haste.

Now unfortunately, time has taken its toll on Mrs Scrub. Her looks have aged, sagged and dragged. She is not the woman I married so many years ago and certainly now not as attractive as me.

I have therefore dreamt of giving her a present of a few minor modifications, alterations, a nip here and a tuck there. Unfortunately I could never afford such radical surgery but now I have a chance!!!

I have bought 100 plastic surgery lottery tickets in this new exciting lottery in the hope of winning a cosmetic procedure for Mrs Scrub! I hope I win, hope, hope, hope! Ofcourse folks, I do not need cosmetically enhancing because this is a recent picture of me:



Your steroid using, lottery hopeful Professor
Prof Scrub

More info here: http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/6243705.stm

Hybrid human research

Dear scientific Scrubs,

I write to you to declare my dissapointment in the government's decision to halt work on human and animal embryoligical research and cloning. It is another step backward in our charge forward to save mankind from the suffering and disability of disease.

The creation of hybrid human-animal embryos is not a new concept, it is not even an old concept, it is an ancient concept. It should not be seen as unethical or challenging to ones morales, this human-animal clone is a dream we humans have strived to achieve for centuries.

Here is just a molecule of evidence to prove my point:









Although not quite an animal-human hybrid, I believe this should be our ultimate goal:



Do you see Scrubs? The possibilites are endless! I am very excited, we may one day fulfil the imagination and dreams of our forefathers and the generations before them! Now, we must convince the government to let us continue. One day we will create a super race of fantastic super strong, super intelligent hybrids, and I, Professor Scrub, will be their leader!

Yours all powerful,
Prof Scrub

The death penatly

Dear Blood Thirsty Scrubs,

The prof can only express his displeasure at the latest current events in Iraq, in particular the use of the gruesome death penalty. However, we can use this moment to look upon some of the more crazier and vile execution techniques mankind has invented to inflict the same deadly outcome. Here is my top 5 vomit inducing execution techniques:

5. Brazen Bull

The brazen bull is an execution device designed in ancient Greece. The concept is simple: put a man inside the body of a metal bull, slowly heat the bull's belly with a gentle flame and a few hours later, we have a nicely roasted human corpse. Indeed, the design of the bull was such that the smoke would gently evaporate from the bull's horns and the victim's screams would be transformed into a bull grunting.

Beware of greeks bearing gifts, in particular, animal related gifts - horses or bulls!




4. Sawing

Homosexuals, women pregnant with the devil's child or adulterous men were treated with this agonizng fate. This ancient practice took place in the middle east and the Roman Empire, references also made in the Bible.

One is hung upside down, legs srpead out wide. Then a saw is used to cut the victim apart down the middle, from the genitals to the head. As the head is hanging upside down, the brain recieves a blood supply for the longest possible time.



3. The snake pit

Well this is self explanatory but as the Prof has a morbid fear of snakes, it enters my top 5. Throw the victim into a pitful of venomous snakes and let the snakes do the rest. Reminds me very much of Indiana Jones and a scantily dressed female screaming together.



2. Impalement

Rather disgusting - the victim is impaled on a long stake, either from the side, mouth or rectum! The stake is left in the ground and the victim left impaled in the air.

Apparently to achieve the longest possible death, one must impale the body from the rectum and aim towards the right shoulder, thus avoiding any damage to the heart.




1. Disemboweling

This is the most sickening as it reminds me of my days in theatre as a young scrub, holding the retractors for hours during some colorectal operation. This particular execution technique involves removing some or all of the organs from the abdominal cavity and letting nature do the rest.


I am proud to say that in England, we took this method to new heights. We developed the "hung, drawn and quartered" technique, where we were not satisfied with just one method of execution! This method involved slowly hanging a man, disemboweling him, followed by decapitation and slicing the body into quarters.

Puts a tear in my eye, God save the Queen.

Now Scrubs, whats your favourite execution technique? Post your favoured execution technique in the comments section.

Let me know whilst I regurgitate my breakfast.

Yours nauseated,
Prof Scrub