Lets get phyical, not chemical

Dear Sex offenders, paedophiles and all round nasty people,

You maybe delighted with the government's new announcement that they will be offering yourselves and those of your ilk the opportunity to voluntarily castrate yourself with medications. They say that some of you chaps are desperately struggling with whats going on in your lives and want help.

Well, let me be the first to say boo, hoo, hoo. I for one have no sympathy for your calibre of criminal. Until you can take away the permanency of the damage you have inflicted on those innocent victims, until you can take away their physical pain and psychological suffering, your punishment should also be permanent.

Voluntary chemical castration? I think you have the government wrapped around your small little penises. I as a retired surgeon, will be proposing a new form of treatment for your desperate attempt to improve your criminal urges and pathetic lives.

I have written to my MP, offering a cheaper and longer term option - a complete involuntary physical castration for all sex offenders. It will be an inexpensive and highly effective procedure. I propose to cut costs by not requiring an operating theatre nor any anaesthetic expertise. Certainly I would not waste any public money on antiseptic products or aseptic technique. As a gesture of goodwill, I will even waive my own enormous consultancy rates. All I will need is a table and my trusty knife.



This procedure not only serves as an effective punishment but also an effective treatment for your disease, thus killing two birds/balls with one simple cut.

I hope to obtain approval for this new service as soon as possible.

Your formerly retired surgeon,
Prof Scrub.

Malibu Police: Seriously Easy Going

Dear Chief Inspector of the Jamaican Police Force,

I'll drink and smoke whatever your officers have been drinking and smoking for the last few months because it has clearly made their job seriously easy going.

Your seriously stressed out Prof - in desparate need of a vacation to the Carribean,
Prof Scrub

The Hilton Residence

Dear darling Paris,

To see you dear, my darling, my beloved, crying and weeping as you are forced to reenter that hellish prison, just breaks my heart.

My beautiful Paris, do not cry. You won't be long in there, you don't belong in there. You are too fabulous darling and just too marvelous to live like those peasants banged away for horrific and unspeakable crimes. You are not one of those Paris, never forget that. Remember you are better then those filthy scum, you are worth more, you are above them in every possible way.

I ask this cruel world, what was your crime? A driving offense? I don't believe it. They are just jealous dear, jealous of your fame, your wealth, your success. Goodness knows Paris, goodness knows you did nothing but give the world glamour and glitz and beauty. Is there a crime in that? Do you deserve this? It is a conspiracy, I am sure. I will get to the bottom of it, I will find out who has done this to you. I will seek vengeance.

Be brave my dear, it is only 45 days in the slammer. Sure it is not 5 star accommodation but its not too bad. Close your eyes, imagine you are in my arms in the Hilton residence, just like that night we spent together many years ago. I hope this thought of you and me together will keep you strong.

I will wait on the outside for you my love. I will wait each day thinking about you, praying for you - and when those corrupt scumbags finally release you, I will be here for you, welcoming you with open arms and open legs.

Yours faithfully, waiting for the day you are released,
Prof Scrub

Resitance: Fall Of Church

Dear Manchester Cathedral,

What on Earth are you complaining about? I have strong objections to your objections to the Sony game: Resistance: Fall of Man.

Firstly, let me start by saying Resistance: Fall of Man is an excellent game on the Playstation 3. I have spent many hours and days fighting all the nasty aliens and Chimera in this awe-inspiring game. There is nothing more satisfying then blowing up aliens with grenades, bazookas, rifles and shotguns after a long day at the office. In particular, there is nothing wrong with blowing up aliens in churches either, as this I believe, is where aliens are most likely to hide (so my sources tell me).

The Church is not new to controversy and not unused to violence. Religion itself has a catalogue of evils deeds and a violent history more develish than any Playstation 3 game. In fact, comparing the history of the Church to any Playstation game is similar to comparing a pitbull terrier to a poodle.

Perhaps I can explain my views with a few illustrations of violence associated with religion:

The crusades:


The Klu Klux Klan:
The Spanish Inquisition:



The holocaust:



Religions have always been strongly associated with violence and the Church is no exception. Therefore please do not complain when a highly addicitve game involving guns, shooting and general all round killing fun is associated with your cathedral.

It is a valuable mind controlling history lesson for the wannabe killers out there.

Yours hiding under the alter, grenade in hand,
Prof Scrub