Say no to orals!

Dear Qualifications and Curriculum Authority,

I entirely agree with the proposals that oral tests should be banned from foreign language examinations. Our poor school children are under far too much stress as it is . These "speaking assesments" in a language they are learning is just too unfair for these hard working kids.

The amount of pressure involved in oral examinations is unbearable and these students are often scarred for life with such terrible memories, often breaking into a tremendous sweat when thinking of how to say "hello", "how are you?" and "where is the train station" in French or German.

I cannot imagine such psychological trauma these young humans must endure to pass these examinations - it was so much easier in my day. I would never trade in my 12 hours a day in the coal mine as a 14 year old boy for these horrendous examinations. Spending every weekend shining shoes in the town centre (and being spat on) sounds a much more pleasant experience for a youngster then these ridiculous stressful examinations.

I truly fear for our future if our society continues to put so much stress on our talented youth. Please abolish these exams as soon as possible.

Prof Scrub.

These images of myself as a youngster just highlight how much easier it was for me then the stressed children of today. Oh what a wonderful childhood I had.

Promote Global Warming Campaign

Dear readers,

I am pleased to announce that it has been officially proven that global warming will save lives. I am most pleased and am now very much looking forward to the rise in our planet's temperature.

The clever scientists have suggested that although the heatwaves and ridiculously gorgeous temperatures in the UK may kill off the odd few thousand people, the wonderfully mild winters will save many from freezing to to death as they do currently. As an added bonus, the high temperatures will mean there will be more scantily clad women on the streets of the UK as they combat the heatwave.

As we will now have a net gain of lives saved and under dressed women on the street, I am very optimistic for the future and will now be campaigning for the "Promote Global Warming Campaign". It will be very easy to get involved. Here are a few tips which I have already started practising myself:

1. Leave all the lights on in the house.
2. Constantly turn your television on and off in the house.
3. Goto nearby food outlets and leave the taps running in the bathrooms.
4. Leave your heating on and your windows wide open
5. Eat only frozen foods
6. Buy a diesel car and drive around aimlessly.
7. Have baths 3 times a day.
8. Use your hosepipe to water the grass in the rain.
9. Buy only bright light bulbs, not energy efficient dim useless ones.
10. Beat up and gag any anti-global warming activist - then educate them appropriately.

All these solutions maybe costly but if we are saving lives, it is worth every penny. Any further suggestions to this campaign would be most welcome. Please promote global warming and save lives today!

Your environmental activist,
Prof Scrub

Ban the Buzz! Anti-Teen device!

Dear Teenagers,

Let me offer my sympathy and wholehearted support in your plight against this nasty, immoral and beastly device! This cruel, sonic radiating, ear piercing anti teen device is a monstrosity and an absolute outrage that our society treats its teenagers this way.

I agree wholeheartedly that this device is inhumane and non specific, affecting innocent and well meaning teens uneccesarily. Our society surely needs a better way to deal with its problems.

I rather like the idea of tackling our antisocial teenagers head on. I would like to face our disruptive teens face to face, man on man, woman on woman. I would like our elders to gather in our gangs and fight these hoodlums in the streets in a battle for control. Knives on knives. Guns on guns. I believe a fair battle to the death is the only sensible way to disperse the bad teenagers from the good ones.

The anti-teen device is too non specific, but a knife wound in the kindeys of the teen ring leader is exceptionally accurate and does a much better job.

I once again will campaign on your behalf in attempting to ban this ghastly machinery.

Your teen loving friend,
Prof scrub

Amy Winnerhouse!

Dear Crackhead Amy,

Congratulations! I am so proud of you - five Grammy awards! I am utterly speechless and beyond belief. It is just so wonderful that we have a British born star succeeding in every aspect of her career. When I heard the news I was overcome with tears of joy - you are an inspiration to us all. Your unparalleled success is phenomenal and I hope you continue to entertain us for many years to come.

You are indeed an asset to our nation, we are blessed.
Professor Scrub.

ps - Would you care to join me for a pint at our local pub and back to mine for a smoke of crack and a good old sing song to celebrate?

Archbishop Rasputin

Dear Archbishop of Canterbury,

Whats all this ridiculous drivel about Sharia law and its implementations? Have you lost your tiny little mind? Have you been liaising with Osama Bin Laden again? I warned you not to.

Perhaps if you stopped modeling your looks on a similarly controversial religious figure in history, you may just get away with your nonsense. May I suggest a shave, a blonde wig and a pair of sunglasses. You would then be a very groovy archbishop. Perhaps even a single out for Christmas?

Prof Scrub